Movement Through Conflict
Jen Weaver
COM325
James Slack
July 25, 2011
Saul Alinsky is credited with saying “Change means movement. Movement means friction. Only in the frictionless vacuum of a nonexistent abstract world can movement or change occur without that abrasive friction of conflict” (Mediation Channel.com). Change is why conflict occurs. As humans we go through change constantly. We age, we learn, we adapt and we make personal choices that impact our lives, our careers, our families and even those who have remote contact with us. Even though change is not always pleasant, it is not inherently bad. Conflict comes due to change and may have positive or negative effects depending upon how people respond; with the best responses resulting in forgiveness.
The story surrounding a specific conflict will always be unique. When conflict occurs, people involved, the timing, the specific actions that sparked the conflict, will all vary. Conflict may be of a highly personal nature, such as an argument with your children or changes in your home life. Conflict can occur just as easily in the professional setting; with disagreements between co-workers, issues with your supervisor, or even quality issues with a vendor or client. While the circumstances will be diverse, interpersonal conflict will most commonly arise with the following four main characteristics; “ (1) the conflicting parties are interdependent, (2) they have the perception that they seek incompatible goals or outcomes or they favor incompatible means to the same ends, (3) the perceived incompatibility has the potential to adversely affect the relationship leaving emotional residues if not addressed, and (4) there is a sense of urgency about the need to resolve the difference” (Cahn & Abigail, 2007, p.4). This explanation of conflict can sound exceptionally serious but that is not necessarily the case. “Incompatible goals” may be as insignificant as where to eat lunch or where to go on vacation. Why just last night I experienced a conflict of this nature as I particularly wanted Chinese food for dinner while my husband wanted burgers and fries. This example is not to demean the severity of some conflicts, as change surrounding conflict can be quite significant; such as a divorce, a corporate acquisition or changes in ones employment.
Conflict is a part of life and of any meaningful relationship. “Conflict is inherent in relational exchange” (Celuch, Bantham, & Kasouf, 2011, p.1082), thus if you spend any significant amount of time with someone you will likely come across incompatible goals. Consider for example the people you may have come in contact with today; he UPS delivery driver, the internet installer, the coffee shop barista, your boss, and your spouse. Chances are, you have not experienced real conflict with the service people you interacted with today unless they messed up your order in some way. Alternatively, it is likely that you have experienced some form of conflict with your boss and your spouse during the past few months? This is because those relationships run deeper and as you spend more of your time and energy investing in a relationship conflict is bound to arise. In this way, it is ridiculous to think that conflict can be completely avoided. Rather, it is better to recognize the potential positive outcomes of conflict and guide conflict resolution towards that end.
A few years ago I would be hard pressed to identify positive outcomes of conflict. I viewed all conflict as painful, unnecessary and entirely exhausting. For this reason I avoided conflict at all cost; sucking in my emotions when my feelings were hurt and trying to sweep real issues under the rug so they didn’t need to be discussed. However, I started to realize that I was negating the potential positive outcomes of conflict, and in some instances I was actually creating more negative circumstances. As with most things in life, conflict comes with two sides of a coin. On the one side there are negative consequences, on the other, positive. One example of this is the potential to either build or destroy trust through conflict. If conflict is handled poorly it can break the trust of those involved, especially if hurtful measures such as abuse of authority or emotional jabs are used. Conversely, if conflict is handled properly trust can be built much faster as close-knit relationships can be built quite quickly through overcoming adversity.
Relatedly, conflict holds the potential to build deeper relationships or to destroy relationships entirely. If the hurt is simply bottled up inside it can explode without notice and cause extensive harm to those who are nearby, potentially even destroying valued relationships. However, if the conflict is handled appropriately it can actually foster deeper relationships for all parties. For conflict to lead to deep relationships the issue needs to be fully resolved, otherwise remaining issues or hurts can fester and cause a strong division in the relationship. I have an example of this from my childhood. In 6th grade our school was vandalized and my classroom was burnt down. This was a fairly traumatic experience as a child, especially since our class turtle died and we lost everything in our room, including our extensive class library. Our class felt betrayed it was a daunting experience. However, this adversity brought our class much closer together. We bonded over the experience, sharing poems and stories with each other, bringing books from our home collections to rebuild the class library and growing closer together. While our trust had been broken by the vandalism, the school made efforts to make sure we were not traumatized and our teacher was a great source of strength and support, even as she shared her own hurts and fears as a result of the experience.
When facing a conflict its easy to think that simply remaining quiet is the best option. However, this can produce long term harm and a better choice is to learn how to communicate about the issue at hand. An anecdotal story to illustrate this point features a couple that has been married for 50+ years. The loving husband made a habit of making breakfast for both he and his wife each morning. When making the toast, he would always give his wife the heels of the loaf since they were his favorite part and he wanted to consider her. One morning during breakfast she burst out in tears for no apparent reason. When he asked what was wrong she sobbed "Why don't you love me? You always give me the leftover heels of the bread and I hate that part." All these years his wife had remained quiet on the issue, perhaps she didn’t want to hurt his feelings, or didn’t want to come across as selfish. However the conflict burst out of her several years too late, only to find that his only aim was to consider her out of sacrificing the pieces of toast he liked the best. While our real life circumstances may not be as humorous, there are many instances when it seems easier to avoid addressing the conflict, only to find that it comes out later on and creates a much larger problem.
When it comes to handling conflict, some people are more prone to to conflict than others. It is vital to identify the personality types of those involved in the conflict so you can communicate with them in the most effective manner. One of the simplest illustrations of a tendency towards conflict is with children. Some children innately want to avoid raised voices, embarrassment and punishment. I was one of these children and even as a toddler I would avoid throwing a fit or lashing out in front of company, bursting into tears if my mother even said my name sternly. My sister on the other hand was much more conflict prone; throwing full-blown tantrums when upset and indifferent about where she was or who saw her. With conflict prone children we must be careful not to label them or view them negatively as can happen (Sharry, 2011, p. 9) but encourage them to aid in the resolution process. If handled properly, strong willed children can grow up to be impassioned and courageous problem solvers as adults.
No matter the personality of those involved, there are some helpful strategies that can help you deal with conflict in both personal and professional settings. Conflict resolution hinges entirely on communication; the ability of all involved parties to accurately communicate together and find a joint solution. “S-TLC” is a helpful acronym to keep in mind when seeking to communicate affectively regarding a conflict. The “S” standard for “stop” and before before speaking to anyone about your frustrations it is best to stop and take a step back from the situation. If the conflict is at work, the “stopping” includes potentially speaking to your peers or friends at work about your frustration, and definitely before addressing her concerns with upper management. You would also be wise to avoid sharing your frustration with your spouse or family member where others may overhear you, as this could result in unintentionally notifying others of your distress. The best first step is to allow some time to calm down emotionally so you can approach the subject calmly, logically, and with everyone's best interests in mind.
The “T” is for “think” and the thinking part of the process needs to begin before starting a conversation with the person you are in conflict with. Consider if your concerns are legitimate, or if they are more based out of the hurt feelings, or unrelated stresses that day. What practical suggestions do you have? What are the quantifiable results? How will this help those involved? After considering these questions, identify the best way to approach the rest of the involved parties, including timing and how the information is presented. A helpful method in the presentation of a conflict would be to use "I" statements such as "I feel" or "I have found", "I believe" as this is a less abrasive way to approach the issue at hand.
The following step is to “Listen” and I believe this is potentially the most important element in resolving the conflict. Communication is a two-way street and both perspectives are valid. The stopping and thinking steps are incredibly important because you need to be in a solid place to listen to a different point of view. Listening is different than simply “hearing” as listening involves a comprehension and consideration of what is being said. The listening phase flows naturally into the final step of this process, “communicate”. To reach a resolution, there must be collaborative communication. A helpful tool for creating collaborative communication is to “speak the language” of the person you are communicating with by using examples and word choice that they can easily understand and relate to. “Jesus Christ was a great communicator. He didn't tell the disciples, "Come on, we're going to recruit people." What did they know about recruiting? They were fishermen. So he spoke their language and said, "Come, follow me, and be fishers of men" (Cole, 1995, p. 17). Things should not be buried deep inside for a later explosion but all parties involved need to approach the conflict with honesty and consideration, keeping in mind that the intended goal is to resolve the conflict.
As an example, I had opportunity to walk through these steps at work recently. My coworker took a day off and asked me to deliver a proposal for her while she was gone, simply to receive the document after her supervisor had reviewed it, and submit it via email. However, when I arrived to work the next day I learned that she had left 40% of the proposal uncompleted, and there were notes and changes everywhere in the document. It ended up taking me 5 hours to complete the proposal for her, derailing all my tasks for the day. After submitting her proposal I considered calling her and letting her know how inconsiderate she had been, but instead I “stopped” and stepped back from the situation. I “thought” about the situation and realized that maybe she had been overwhelmed the day before, or perhaps she didn’t realize how much she had left me to do. It was even possible that she forgot about some of the aspects of the proposal that were missing. I had opportunity to speak with my coworker the following day and tried to use “I” statements to verbalize my complaint. “I felt like this project was dumped on me and I felt very unconsidered because of how this project was handled.” “I believe that the quality of the proposal was hindered by the lack of forewarning and time I had to complete it.” I then “listened” to her perspective, and it turns out she didn’t realize how much work she had left for me to complete and this scenario opened a dialogue as to how to improve our internal processes to avoid this issue in the future.
In an ideal abstract world, any conflict would be resolved quickly and with abundant forgiveness. While this is not the world we live in, all conflict will ideally result in forgiveness and will allow all parties to move on from the experience. People are people and we need to forgive each other because we will make mistakes. If a conflict ends but forgiveness does not take place, the relationship will not be able to progress as it once was. This is because the relationship has not been repaired, and in most instances the conflict has not fully been resolved. If there is no forgiveness, the unforgiving party likely has held onto hurt emotions from the conflict and is not willing to let them go. These emotions will fester and may turn into grudges, animosity and even plots for revenge.
Not only is forgiveness necessary for a good relationship, but it also can help you as a person, both physically and emotionally. “Forgiveness is an extremely powerful tool." Forgiveness sets us free. It’s the antidote, the secret weapon, to free people of the prison of negativity and self-created suffering" (LivingWell Cancer Resource Center, 2011, p.1). By forgiving someone, you lift a burden off of yourself. You no longer carry the hurt feelings, or the weight of remembering all they did during the time of conflict, but you release both of you to move on towards the future. This is the best way to respond to conflict and is the ideal response for those of us living in a friction-filled concrete world.
References
Cahn, D.D., & Abigail, R.A. (2007). Managing conflict through communication (4th ed.).
Boston, MA: Pearson Education, Inc. ISBN: 978-0-205-68556-1
Celuch, K., Bantham, J., & Kasouf, C.. (2011). The role of trust in buyer-seller
conflict management. Journal of Business Research, 64(10), 1082.
Retrieved July 11, 2011, from ABI/INFORM Global. (Document
ID: 2394643691).
Cole, Linda Lee. (1995, January). Dealing with difficult people. Executive
Excellence, 12(1), 17. Retrieved July 11, 2011, from ABI/INFORM Global.
(Document ID: 4691429).
Levin, D. (2006, April 24). Mediation Quote of the Week. In Mediation Quote of the
Week [Mediation Channel]. Retrieved July 18, 2011, from
http://mediationchannel.com/category/mediation-quotes/
LivingWell Cancer Resource Center. (2011, July 11). How forgiveness can help
your health. Daily Herald,2. Retrieved July 11, 2011, from ProQuest
Newsstand. (Document ID: 2395876881).
Sharry, John. (2011, June 28). Who’s right about our rough little boy? Irish Times, 9.
Retrieved July 1, 2011, from ProQuest Newsstand. (Document ID:
2385586481).
No comments:
Post a Comment